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2001-10-13 - 10:10 p.m.

and i hate how i feel inside. i hate the selfish thing i've become. i hate how i can't cry. i hate how i'm on the verge of it all spilling out, but it won't come. and mostly, i hate the reason i want to cry.


today, serina, ryan, adam and me went to [dun dun dun] a band competition. i figured we wouldn't be staying 8 hours, but was i wrong.

this band competition was a smart aleck's field day. man, i came up with some good remarks.

at one point, i had to entertain myself because the bands weren't doing too great of a job. i tried to make myself go crazy. and for a minute, i wondered if that could happen. i was surrounded by so many people [and i hate people] and i was sinking down in my seat. sinking sinking. farther and farther. and nobody seemed to notice. it was funny because i was halfway in the floor. i guess it's just that i do stuff like that so often, nobody really pays much attention.

next, i stared at the lights. directly into the bright flourescent lights. didn't go blind. didn't even see spots for too long.

after that, i began vibrating in my seat. sort of like an epileptic might do. got a few stares out of that one.

by the end of the night, i was seething. i didn't want to be there. in that crowd. that crowd of...people. blegh.

so tonight i've learned that serina is exactly what james said. what james said in my guestbook. look for it. [yes, i know she may read this. and i love you serina, but...yeah]

i've learned that i'm never going to another band competition. ever.

i've learned that i feel too much. that just once i want to have no feelings. ||i should have no feeling cause feeling is pain||


i cannot wait four days. it's impossible. don't make me do it. please. fasting of the worst kind. not with food, but with love. pure unconditional love, i'm fasting on.

such the pity-party tonight.

||i didn't mean to fall in love| ||

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