i am a rock. i am an island.
2002-01-07 - 11:48 a.m.

how many times do i have to say it? it's true. nothing happens as you think it will. nobody shows up when they're supposed to and your much anticipated days off are lately being filled with the obligation of being on call. you're always cold and you wish that it was how it used to be. days filled up with doing what you wanted and nights out with him or with a friend. sitting beside the fireplace listening to nirvana never sounded more inviting, but you can't concentrate on the goodness of the present, only the whatifs and worries of the future. you're feeling torn between being selfish and doing what you know will benefit you in the longrun and just giving up. giving up feels better to you now. you feel reliant on others but don't want to admit it. you feel locked up, unable to escape, but if you were free, what would you do? the simple pleasures of walking aimlessly around walmart attached to his arm and laughing seem to be in the past. the present is filled with working in a place you wish would cave in and reminding yourself that you have to do good in school. then you start to think what does it matter, because really, what does it? you don't want to be home anymore, but you never are anyway. not even going to your grandma's house makes you feel comfortable the way that it used to. you say you want to live alone in a hole, but is that really what you'd like? what happened to the dreams you had? the direction in life you were starting to feel? oh wait...i forgot...one person said that your plan would never work. another said that it wasn't very realistic. that's what happened to your dreams - they were shot down! you think you hate everything you've become, but then you realize you're only nineteen and you'll be changing. a lot like you have been in the past two years. you know you aren't an adult like age eighteen promised. but you can't help but think that you aren't still the kid you behaved as in high school. what are you then? it feels like nothing. this nothing mocks you to your face. it says that you'll always be this. that you can't be anything different. you want to agree, but you know better deep down. deep down and in the back of your head, as well. all of those crevices where your hopes like to hide. it's dark there, not well-lit. so when your hopes decide to show their face, they squint in the bright light of reality. they're quick to run back to where they came from. really quick.

i don't know where this came from.

don't know where it's going.

i have very bad posture.

it sounds like a bad horoscope. only more detailed.

||hiding in my room safe within my womb|||

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