2002-05-25 - 12:32 p.m.

it wasn't a well-thought-out plan. it was more of a spur of the moment thing. waiting in the store for him to get off of work. [here i must admit that i like to look at him and i like it when i find him looking at me] into the car, him in the backseat, us in the front seats. my music pounding from the stereo. [louder is better] sometimes i would turn around to look at him and he'd smile at me.

the three of us walking in a clump of arms and legs and torsos. not really necessary but we were in a place where we needed safety in numbers.

fish in bags with food coloring. redgreenblueorangeyellow. nothing left here to see so once again to the car.

nobody really knew what to do. time was running out and we wanted to make the best of it. to her house. him on her couch/bed. i asked if i could sit beside of him and the fish. he said yeah. it was nervous. nervous. and it felt dirty though nothing was happening. just the fact that there was another boy beside of me that isn't him. wasn't him. i felt bad for the thoughts running through my head and i still do, but i won't/can't stop them. i don't know what it is i need or want. i don't know what my problem is or how to solve it and i don't know what to tell you when you ask me what's wrong. i have a feeling things are going to change and i don't know how i feel about it. but i can't stop thinking about him or about you and i'm sick of myself.

i hate love.

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