things change.
2002-09-04 - 10:49 p.m.

i get so emotional during these times. the times when it's dark outside and it's dark inside. when we're laying on his bed. we're under the covers and it's terribly cozy. but the reason i get so emotional is because we always, without fail, start talking about when we get to live together. when we get married and what we'll have and do. he wants a table and chairs under the trees so we can talk. i want a porch and a dog.

we talked about how satisfied we were with our lives [or rather not satisfied. we talked about how we felt.

i don't know why i'm trying to explain this to you. all i can do is feel it.

i know what it means to love so much that you hurt. because it hurts that i can't be with him every second of every day. it hurts that i don't get to sleep in his arms at night or kiss him awake in the mornings. it hurts that i have to let go of his hand and get into my car and drive home to a place where he is not.

this is not shallow mushy lovey dovey nonsense. this is a feeling deep inside of me that i can barely contain. this is something that i've never experienced and it's always new and always eye-opening. and it hurts.

things change when you start to care about someone besides yourself.

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