we can work it out.
2002-10-17 - 1:31 p.m.

i suppose we are making progress. i suppose going from my heart shutting down, to not speaking, to a smile to speaking and even joking around is progress.

it doesn't make things any easier, though. i know what i think went wrong. i know what i would do differently. i know what i've learned and what i'm learning as i type. but it doesn't help much.

you wait around for me like you want to talk. you do. but all i know what to say is stupid joking remarks. maybe it's just that i want to see you smiling and laughing. maybe i think that if we can keep joking, we won't have to start talking about the bad stuff. about what happened and why it is you don't want me as your girlfriend anymore.

it needs to happen, though. we need to talk this out, and i'm not sure how you feel. it's like starting all over again. the first time was hard because i wasn't sure if you "liked" me and i didn't know you that well. this time is hard because no matter how you feel now, you loved me for a time. i was your partner, your friend, your love. but now i don't know where i stand. and it hurts.

it hurts to sit beside of you and remember how it felt to be held in your arms and touch your skin. it hurts more than anything i believe i've ever felt before. i know you need space. i know you need time. but my heart said to tell you that it's going to dry up and wither away soon. it can't take too much more. it's already been broken. i thought i had it pieced back together in such a way that it could work, but now i'm not so sure.

please quit walking away from me. please talk to me. take the advice of the beatles when they say:

"we can work it out."

because i don't think i can stand for it to be any other way.

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