2002-11-09 - 4:15 p.m.

and so it happens.

you go from everything to nothing in a matter of minutes.

while you weren't looking, someone came and sweeped your life out from under your feet and left you to wonder just what it is you're supposed to do.

i honestly cannot remember a time when i have felt so completely alone. alone in every sense of the word. it feels like i'm walking around in a fog of blah. just exist is what i do now. suddenly it seems worse than it was. suddenly it seems much worse.

i think back and it's not like i wish to be where i was again. because now that i have some sense about me i can see i was wrong. in the wrong place. but come on, a little something would be appreciated. just someone here to have. someone that shows they care. a support system of sorts. someone to kick my ass into place and someone to hold onto when i need it. [which is often nowadays] but it seems like i've been left. and i don't think i was meant to stand on days like these.

how come when one thing goes wrong, everything follows? usually some things would remain intact. a handhold to keep me from falling into this place that i am now. some good to remind me that things will be okay eventually. now i'm not so sure.

sure, they said there would be bad days. days that will make you wonder why you're alive. wonder what you did to deserve this. but they didn't specify just how bad it would be. bad so that you can't even cry anymore. bad so that you just don't care anymore. you have no reason, no purpose and just absolutely nothing at all.

does this make sense?

i know i'll look back on this time one day and i'll wonder how i could act like this. how i thought that everything was so bad that i couldn't make it. but for now..

i don't know.

but i'm tired.

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