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2003-01-01 - 9:31 p.m.

and it's just that everything is a mess. i started out this new year laying in bed wishing i were dead and thinking that i was going to throw up a vital organ. shouldn't have eaten at mcdonalds. but it's just like everything else. you know you shouldn't do it, but you do it anyway. you don't stop. you won't. you can't. whatever. there's really no turning back this time. you've wandered too far and oops there's the edge and oops there you are flying through the air toward the ground at a rapid rate of speed. it used to be that you could kid yourself into believing that things would really get better eventually. that it could get worse and that you should feel fortunate. but then it did get worse. and now your heart has learned that your brain is tricky and that it can't be trusted. you can't be tricked into thinking things really will be okay. it's funny because even when it was at it's worst, it wasn't as bad as it is now. you think about it now, and you wonder if it's getting worse as each day progresses. this thing you do, where you think and think and think and then you get to the point where you've crossed the line. you accidentally thought too much and now where are you? huh? yeah, you're about to cry again, aren't you? yeah, there's the familiar pang in your chest. the one where you try to hold things in, but don't quite get it. where you have to tilt back your head and stare at some spot on the ceiling and will your tears to just fucking stop for once. you hold your breath, you blink and then you open your eyes wide. wide. like the gaping hole in your heart. the one that just can't be sewn shut with any sort of affection or happiness because it's missing something. yeah, that one thing that walked out of your life months ago. it started this little rip in your heart and now other things have contributed to the tear and now? now it's just one big mess of blood and chambers and arteries and it's not at all shaped as god intended it to be, it's not at all functioning as planned. so one day melts into the next same as usual and it'll continue to be this way. you don't know if things will change but as for now they look grim. moving on seems a ridiculous idea because you just can't let go -let alone forget- the past. but. if i forgot you, i would scream until my ears bled. but at the same time, it's killing me to remember. either way i lose, right? that's what i thought.

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