you know? i dunno.
2003-01-21 - 10:16 a.m.

it was around one thirty in the morning on a friday, i guess. we were standing in the parking lot beside my car, freezing. the car was running and the smashing pumpkins were on live and i usually hate that because the audience sings too. see, it was like this. he kept kissing me and kissing me and i would tell him that i had to go home but neither of us would stop. once, i pushed him away but he came back. it's been on my mind a whole lot. that time we were standing there and it was so cold, but inside was another story. i was thinking about it last night, sitting beside him again in the passenger seat. eating pixie stix and inhaling. it was a little different this time, almost as though i were competing for his attention - his attention being on the road or the radio. but i suppose i deserved that. he put a time limit on us. and i don't like time. it keeps me up at night and it demands me to live by it. time limits and due dates.

i know this isn't all making sense to you.

sometimes, lately, i can feel it. i can feel my memory leaving me. but it's not that i'm getting older. no, this is all my fault. i shrug it off.

i'm afraid to take a shower when i'm home by myself.

i apologize to you. because. lately? lately i can't live up to any sort of potential. and updating is a chore.

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