really

i can't seem to stay on the road. i keep looking around instead of straight ahead.

and then

there's the constant forgetting of where i'm going. and when i do figure that part out, i can't remember why it is i'm going.

& my head hurts.

it's funny.

i feel like a completely different person than i was two years ago. yeah, i know that was bound to happen, but the funny part is that i didn't realize it was happening. no set date, no turning point, i just changed. i don't know what i'm getting at.

write for yourself, not for other people. write for yourself, not for other people.

here's a joke: what is it called when you repeatedly do something you know is bad for you? stupid. haha.

but maybe i like driving around with him swapping germs, swapping stories, swapping insults. listening to music and naming the bands as the songs change. and maybe i like altering my perception so that things are extremely amusing and my eyes are sleepy and everything is just slowed down and laid back. maybe maybe maybeimcrazy.

see, he's still around. he's still holding my hand and he's still getting his face prints on my glasses from when we kiss. i have to stand on the curb to reach him. i told him we're being nefarious and then, kissing me hard, he asked if that was nefarious. nefarious nefarious. nefarious when we drive down the road and my hands are on the steering wheel, but his are not. when my foot keeps going down on the accelerator and my eyes are burning from the heater and my face is burning from something else. nefarious nefarious when when when

i shouldn't be telling you all this. i shouldn't be thinking all this.

i have until friday. until friday, he says.

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