make up your mind.i can't make up my mind.
2003-01-25 - 11:24 p.m.

sometimes i sit there and say nothing for so long i become afraid to speak and i have to will myself to open my mouth and let words come out.

this happened tonight.

he was mad at me, and reasonably so. but i sat there beside him with my jaw clenched and stared ahead. sometimes i looked at him out of the corner of my eye. i wondered how at that moment he could feel so much when i felt so little.

sometimes he would shake his head, but mostly he just looked so very sad.

sometimes we'd look at each other and i was always having to turn away.

after some time, he just said 'bye' and drove away. i got in my car and just sat there for a long time before driving off. seeing his tail lights moving quickly into the distance did something to me and i felt like maybe i'd made a mistake. i made myself concentrate on the reasons why we should not be together and i drove away. further down the road, a tear slipped out and i selfishly wished he were there to see it. just so he'd know that behind my silence and shut mouth i did truly care. the heater was high and it burned my face and the tears dried and made my face feel funny. i drove around slowly and pulled into my driveway but changed my mind and left again. he was sitting in his car in the parking lot at work staring ahead. he saw me and it was like the cars around me sped up and i was thrown into slow motion. blurs all around, but our eyes locked. strange, i know. the second time i drove down my street, the phone rang. it was him. he explained that he wanted to talk again, but admitted it was a spur of the moment thing and didn't know what to say now. so i talked this time.

yes he is mad at me. but yes he understands. he's hurt and i'm confused and we don't know what to do.

"what do you want, erin? what is it that you WANT?"

this is where i stop thinking so much and just blurt out what i feel.

"i just want to be your friend. i LIKE you and you're saying that it can't work like this."

he says that we can't just be friends. i don't understand why not.

he said he'd see me tomorrow and i said okay.

but neither of us would hang up.

sometimes, when i'm with him, we don't talk. we just sit there and it's okay. we're weird. even from the first time i met him, we've had a weird relationship. and it's only gotten worse from there.

i don't know where this is going.

i don't have an ending for you. nothing to leave you in tears or leave you smiling at such a happy ending. cause there's not one.

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