you have been warned. |
2003-05-24 - 11:43 p.m.
all day, my mind has been bombarded with memories of us. only a few days ago, i thought i'd forgotten or maybe just forgotten to care. but they were whizzing in and out making a noise i can only hear inside my head.
i sleep a lot because i feel there's no real reason to wake up. i sleep a lot because there's such a disappointing feeling that comes when i open my eyes to daylight. this will change.
have you ever done something that felt so right in your head only to discover when you've actually done it that it doesn't settle right in your heart?
sometimes there is so much anger inside of me that i don't know what to do; where to direct it. it feels like what i imagine being cooked would feel like. just like that. a large, silver pot on the stove. the knob is turned to high, and the eye is slowly turning red, indicating that the contents of this pot are heating. soon enough, said contents are boiling and if not tended to properly, they will boil over the sides. over the sides, and into the floor and sometimes i imagine this will happen to me.
do you think that if you go crazy you'll realize it's happening? that it'll be a gradual process until the very end, the end being when you snap. or do you think it'll all happen so suddenly that you won't even be aware. do you think maybe it's just a process that happens with such ease that you feel like maybe you're the only sane person around and everyone else is mad? when in all actuality it's you. this doesn't make much sense to me. if only i could force the words out to form phrases i could string together that would make sense.
yhid id ejsy oy ;ppld; olr ejrm o yi[r eoyj yjr etpmh gomhrtd/
that's what it looks like when i type with the right fingers on the wrong keys.
i have a headache.
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