part three. i don't even want to type the title again. |
2003-08-05 - 10:48 p.m.
[i know it's hard to read so copy and paste it in notepad or word or something you whiny bitches]
alkalinesingular: Once there was a man who lived to play the blues on his piano
alkalinesingular: he would just sit and bang his fingers on the keys, making these classy blues hits
alkalinesingular: Now, this man had a lover
alkalinesingular: named Carlotta
alkalinesingular: she had told him if he kept on playin those blues and didnt come to bed she was gonna do somethin theyd both regret
alkalinesingular: but that it would hurt him more than her
alkalinesingular: and one night
alkalinesingular: there he sat
alkalinesingular: playin his blues
alkalinesingular: so she slammed his fingers under the closed piano
alkalinesingular: breaking every one of them
alkalinesingular: now you go
adaftapeth: so this man was so into the blues that he was playin that it took a minute to register the pain. but milliseconds later, 10 separate fingers registered 10million screams-worth of pain. and this man he looks at carlotta like his heart has broken instead of these digits of his and he rises slowly from the piano bench and bites off carlotta's stupid head.
adaftapeth: he swallows it whole and he sits back down.
adaftapeth: sits back down on the bench and tries to think of how he's going to get his hands out of the piano.
alkalinesingular: he takes his big mouth and opens it up and pulls out his fingers. blood is squirting everywhere. so what does he do, but puts the bloody stumps in his mouth and drinks his own blood. then he runs to the hospital and say, "I'm sorry, sir, you can't be playin the blues ever again."
adaftapeth: well playin the blues was all this man ever knew. god damn he came out of the womb playin the blues. in fact, he was playin before he came out and his mother was going insane and she said god damn get this baby out of me because i can't take this blues playin anymore, so in the doctors went with some god damn tongs and they extracted the baby from the lady and his mama said "i'm sorry baby, you can't be playin the blues ever again." back to the present, he stares at the doctor. and he says "if i can't play the blues, well...BLUEELRRRGHGHHH!" and judging by the sound, you may have guessed what happened. carlotta's stupid head came out of the man's mouth and it began to talk.
alkalinesingular: "SATAN IS IN YOU! THE DEVIL IS IN YOU!" well the doctor didn't rightly know what to do, so he got a broom and starting hitting the head of carlotta so he could maybe stop it frmo screaming and singing and spittin and a-yowlin.
alkalinesingular: the doctor calmed down the head and then asked the man, "Is this true? have you got the devil in you?"
alkalinesingular: A little known secret about this man...
alkalinesingular: his mother had sex with an ordained minister of the churhc of satan
alkalinesingular: they reached coitis on this sixth hour of the sixth day of the sixth month of 1966
alkalinesingular: he was playin blues for the devil this whole time! he was a satanic-blues-playin fool!
alkalinesingular: there was only one thing he could do now...
adaftapeth: well, what do you think a man that has the debil inside of him is supposed to do? he had to go sacrifice a virgin head with no body attached. and well, here's carlotta's head. and carlotta was a virgin because this man was the first she'd loved, but he'd been too busy playin the blues to fornicate with carlotta. so he grabs her stupid head by her stupid hair. he bids the doctor adieu and runs out the door. he goes to walmart because we all know walmart is evil and there, in the cheese aisle, he stabs genuine silver 4pronged forks into each of carlotta's eyes. blood pours from her eyeballs as he shouts the words "GOLLY MAH SHOCK DEE DAY!" the lights flicker.
alkalinesingular: then he raises the bloody head, drinks the blood dripping down
alkalinesingular: "its time! for the ultimate sacrifice! EVIL! BEZELBUB! THE FINAL HOUR IS APPROACHETH! THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE! THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE!!!!!! Oh god.....*pant pant*.....Here i sit.....broken hearted.........came to shit................but i...............................................................FARTED!"
alkalinesingular: "THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS TOOLATE TOCRY!
alkalinesingular: its too late! NO SUPPA FOR YOU!"
adaftapeth: i..i. oh my.
adaftapeth: the lights flicker again. all is silent on the walmart front. the lights go out. the man starts to tremble and his stomach is all glow glow. he watches as the glowing thing pushes out through his bellybutton and rises forth, hovering over the american cheese. [kraft singles, if you must know] he um..well..he stares at the man and he says "well. i suppose this was bound to happen."
adaftapeth: uh go.
alkalinesingular: "Elton John!" the man declared. "I love your music!"
alkalinesingular: "ANd i yours."
alkalinesingular: a special bond was formed that day
alkalinesingular: the likes of which no one could ever touch.
adaftapeth: and from thereforth sprang the inspiration for such hits as
adaftapeth: circle of life
adaftapeth: and candle in the wind
alkalinesingular: benny and the jets
adaftapeth: GOD DAMN YOU SATAN!
alkalinesingular: and "the way you look tonight"
adaftapeth: the end?
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