tomorrow..tomorrow comes today. |
2003-08-22 - 10:13 p.m.
i always know in the back of my head that if i just stop thinking about what to write, it'll eventually flow out. but i even thought about that, just as i'm thinking about this and probably will continue to think about the next sentences, too.
there's a cord running from me over here to the stereo over there. long and black, it allows me to hear the music that my hand is writing in time to. 3/4 time? 4/4 time? i don't even know anymore because it's been years since a piano lesson and besides, i grew tired of theory and finger positions when i just wanted to feel. feel feelfeel.
i feel things. i feel too much.
[don't cry, don't feel, don't die because death is not real] feel. i think. my brain is a powerful powerful machine that is programmed against me. it's mine, i know this sounds crazy, but you know and i know that i am crazy and maybe since we both know, we cancel each other out and that makes me sane.
4:15 4:16 4:17 4:18
the phone freezes my brain
a constant assault (i am]
i don't know if i make sense to you
i have some of his things
i am running out of blank pages here. what? did you think i only wrote from a keyboard, typing my worthless thoughts into a small blank box? nope. i have notebooks filled with the thoughts that flow from my head to somehow end up on paper. and when i reread those words - the words from the past - i become afraid because there's proof that it can be worse. that if i think something is bad now, i'm probably wrong. and i can't really forget because there are these tangible reminders of the past.
my pencil is dull.
my brain is dull.
i have dreams sometimes in which there's something holding me back - my untied shoelaces keep tripping me, it feels as though i'm running through water, or i don't have my glasses on so i can't see well. but somehow what held me up in my dreams seeped into real life and i feel tripped up when i think.
i wish i could win the lottery or become famous just to have enough money for you and me to live comfortably. i think i know the key to happiness and it's when daniel holds my hand. it's when he says "hey beautiful" or when he tells me he loves me. daniel makes me think that i wasn't really in love before. or maybe it's just that the past is irrelevant when he is the present and the future.
does this music reflect my thought processes, or do my thought processes relflect the music?
i said that once you turn twenty, everything goes downhill, remember? well, guess what. twenty-one brings everything back uphill. brings it back and then it surpasses anything you ever could've imagined.
he told me today:
"well think about this. twenty miles away, there's a boy that loves you more than anything in the world."
and that works for now. but we're working on making that into 0 miles. then that'll read:
"there's a boy laying beside you that loves you more than anything in the world."
i love you, d6.
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