today wasn't great. today i was an ass.

here's a tip: don't throw dr. pepper on your friend. they'll get mad. and even though they're brown and sticky and you think this is funny; they don't. and even though they sorta started it by throwing ice in your face and provoking you, half a cup of dr. pepper is much worse.

here's another tip: don't flip over a metal bar and land on the slide at the park because it hurts your internal organs and your ass when you land and your elbow when you LAND ON IT ON THE SLIDE AND CRUNCH IT INTO THE PLASTIC OH MAN.

another tip: don't smoke. it's bad it's bad. health class taught you that in school, but you weren't really listening because you were busy poking the charred lungs they passed around as examples of why you shouldn't smoke. if the american lung association has taught us anything, it's that if you light something and put it into your mouth, you'll die. but another reason it's bad is because when daniel spills all of your cigarettes onto the table for some reason and one of them falls off and breaks, if you don't smoke you won't threaten his life. because you won't need that cigarette. which leads to my next tip..

tip number 3 or 4? i dunno: don't move out. live at home forever. don't buy a car. get a job and use that money to drink and do drugs. otherwise, you'll have no money and have to pay for everything with change. you'll piss your pants when you lose a cigarette. you'll pick up pennies from the ground. you'll eat out of the garbage can and just generally be a loser. like me!

mmhmm. let my life be a lesson to you, my children.

oh that's deep.

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