do not cry out or hit the alarm.
2003-09-12 - 11:37 p.m.

it's not safe inside of me it's not safe outside of me. so what does that leave?

most times i'm okay, like when my face is in his hands and he's kissing me telling me i make him happy. like when i'm driving at night with my window down listening to music. like when i'm sitting in the backyard with my serina, smoking and talking about how we can't stay mad at each other for too long.

but sometimes i'm not okay, like when i'm at work and enduring hate-filled glares from her. she improves my video game playing skills, though. i'll give her that. i imagine her face on the enemies and i kill so much better that way. so much quicker.

right now it's kicking in. i'm knocking myself out tonight. i swallowed it whole and it's been traveling throughout my body and the explosion is about to take place; i can feel it. first my arms will go numb and i'll have to look down to make sure they're still hanging there. then i'll think i'm falling through the floor, then i'll not be able to lift myself off of the bed for anything. this will get me through the night and into midmorning. it's all about getting through, isn't it? why can't i just appreciate where i am when i'm there instead of wishing time away or wishing that i had it back?

i build myself nice, small worlds in which i co-exist with the few people i love, but then i bring down the apocalypse on my own creation; leaving it in ruins.

i'd like to think there's more to my life than smoking all day and drinking at night. i'd like to think that i have some purpose, some reason to exist. that one day i'll be at least semi-successful.

mostly, i just wish i could be content. that i could not get irritated because of trivial things. that i could just appreciate things instead of wishing they were different.

i'm okay i'm okay

yeah i'm fine.

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