this is what i think right now. |
2003-10-10 - 10:02 p.m.
i decided, while staring absently into the dark sky that it's a cycle. it must be. it has to be. maybe not. maybe if i could predict my lunacy, i could brace myself and warn others of it's imminent coming.
it came today. i was sitting on the ground, in a small space marked off in a soccer field at the park. there was a bat swooping at my head. i worried it might get in my face. eventually, i moved to the woodchip/mulch pile and climbed to the top and sat down. i wondered to myself how i could simultaneously wish to be left alone, but still feel the need to be near someone. it's a horribly unsettling feeling, leaving me burning up inside.
i just don't know what to do these times. these periods of time where i feel nothing and everything at the exact same time. my brain goes into warp speed, not at all matching my lethargic actions. i scare myself but i can't snap out of it. i have to wait it out, like a sickness. but once in, i shut out the world. you can ask me questions, but you won't get a real answer. just "i don't know." or shrugged shoulders. you can tell me to cheer up. you can tell me it's okay. but it doesn't matter when i'm there. in that place. i guess if you could see inside my mind, you'd find me huddled inside a dark corner, with my arms wrapped around my knees. my eyes squinched shut. trying to push myself farther into the corner, trying to push myself farther away from everything. and i tell myself i'm okay. i tell myself i'm not really crazy. and i can believe it when i'm not in my mental corner. but once i'm in, the dark suffocates and i think of everything that i hate. everything that i think drives me to this point subconsciously. it all becomes conscious and then i understand that the only reason i'm alive is because i feel obligated. i'm not saying i'm going to kill myself. i'm not. i wouldn't. i just feel that if i were to blink out of existence in that certain block of time, it would be okay.
i feel like you can only withstand so much before you collapse. you can be set off by the tiniest of things because you've had all of this emotional build-up just waiting to escape. the one thing comes along, you let everything out and you're left there, sobbing on your mother's shoulder knowing that nothing is okay that nothing is going to be okay. this is your wake-up call. the point in your life where you come to understand that this is a shit life you're living and there are only a few things that you'll experience that will cheer you up a little. make the shit seem not as bad, i suppose. but you've started over just then. and it begins again. the process. building up more and more. periods of depression and anger and lonliness. these things are stored up inside of you for days, weeks, months until eventually you're going to collapse again. you weren't made to handle this. and you'll start over again. and again. or maybe it's just me.
and i know this sounds horrible. and i don't feel this way all of the time. it comes and goes. spurts. periods. cycles. i don't really know what i'm getting at. what my point is. i'm just afraid that i'll give up on myself and not care anymore. i'm just afraid that i'll be given up on and nobody will care anymore. i know i'm loved. and i love in return.
but i'm afraid.
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