2003-10-14 - 1:33 p.m.
i'm listening to the stereo. it's location in the house has been moved so that it's right behind me when i sit at the computer. i think i have it turned too loud because if the bass hits just right, things rattle. i think i have it turned too loud because while my hands rest on the computer desk, i can feel the vibrations through my palms.
i sat this morning reading a book and in between paragraphs i would think that i am wasting time. i would think about how i'm worthless at this point in my life and how i should get up and do something. the problem is, i don't know what to do. i want to feel better about myself. i want to have money so that i don't have to worry about car payments and insurance payments. so that i don't have to worry about having gas to drive me to see daniel. i thought these were supposed to be the "best years of my life" yet i find myself wishing they were over so that i could find comfort in the stability i hope i'll have when i'm older, finished with school and working a decent job.
and i know that all of this must be boring for you to read. but it's what i feel. so it's what comes out when i decide to type my thoughts. and really, i'm just tired of waking up to remember what a failure i am.
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