sure. why not. |
2003-12-03 - 10:19 p.m.
the arms around me that make me want to stay there forever. i want to curl up beside him, i want to disappear into his body, i want to be one of his eyelashes, or a blood vessel on the inside of his wrist showing through the skin. i want to be the scar on his side or a freckle on his face.
while driving, all of my body's involuntary functions suddenly seemed voluntary but i didn't want to participate. i concentrated on breathing, on the pressure i put on the gas pedal, on the brake. my arms seemed further from the steering wheel than they had minutes before. i wanted to float up out of the car seat and disappear into the air like my cigarette smoke did. a gray fog swirling up into the cold, cold air.
sometimes i can hear my brain move inside my head. or at least the sound i think my brain would make if i could hear it move inside my head.
sometimes i forget where i am and when i remember it seems new and frightening. but it doesn't last long.
sometimes talking to people is a chore.
i don't like capital letters or exclamation points.
i got a free newspaper from the paper machine because i kicked it over and the glass broke out. i put all the quarters in my pocket and sat down on the sidewalk to read the comics. i'm lying except for the part about the free paper.
there's a man that comes into blockbuster and if we're out of the movie he wants, he shouts "BASTARDS!" and demands to have their phone number so he can call and tell them to hurry.
sometimes i want to hide in the drop box because i think i would deserve the bruises the movies would give me when they hit me as they are returned.
i hate verb tenses. i hate that grammar and spelling rules float through my head as i write. i hate that i can remember these things, but some days i can't remember my own name.
i can't stand to listen to certain cds now. it's because they remind me of cold, rainy days and the first time i realized i was truly alone. everything i had known taken away. once you have lonliness, it should be cultivated so that it allows your soul to grow. when it comes right down to it, you can get by alone. it's just that you aren't complete then.
time just flies by. a cliche. i hate both.
there is the faint reminder of the time i dug my car key into my right hand just to watch myself bleed. a small pink line that is raised up just enough to still be felt. not really trying to hurt myself, i only wanted to add another scar to my hand.
i hope when i die, it's from a vending machine falling over and crushing me. or at least scurvy. something that is ridiculous and out of the ordinary. something that gives nod to my personality.
hating the world is time consuming and tiring. i should get paid.
the cold envelops me wherever i go. following me inside, coming through the crack in the door just before it slams shut.
my nose is still sore from the needle and the damage done. though not like it was.
i have turned to the dark side. i am a black sheep, a bad apple, a bad seed. evil lies within my heart and spreads its darkness to everything in my path. i am afraid that i am not afraid. better to be cold or hot than to be lukewarm.
tomorrow morning i will be alone before i go to the hospital to visit my father. i keep thinking he will die. i think we moved forward in our relationship today and i'd hate to think he leaves before i get a chance to prove him wrong. i'm not stupid and i will show him.
my brain is growing claustrophobic in my skull.
my hands are cold.
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