2003-12-06 - 3:04 p.m.
i'm cold inside, my tears warm my face up only momentarily before they become cold too.
numb. i can't concentrate, i just sort of exist right now. and just barely. i've been walking around and staring up at the sky.
when she told me, i got up from the table and walked away. she followed me and yelled my name and it reminded me of a movie. she hugged me and she felt so small and that made it even worse. i haven't hugged her in months. haven't told her i love her in months. i couldn't even tell her today. when she told me that she loved me i just started crying harder. but i know she knows that i do love her. i wasn't able to see my daddy today because i'm a fucking sensitive baby. i sat on the toilet in the hospital and i got the hiccupy things from where i cried too much or too hard or i wasn't breathing properly. i don't know. i don't care. but i just picture him laying there small and in pain and it scares me. the stupid nurses won't do anything. they won't come when they're called. and my mom has to stay there with him. she didn't even come home this morning, she's not come home yet, she's afraid to leave him alone. she has to help him to the bathroom and it all makes me so sad. he's my dad, he's a strong man, he's young, things like this shouldn't happen to him. or us. our family.
my mom put her arms around my sister and i and she told us that everything would be okay. she said we were a strong family and we could get through this. that whatever happens will happen for a reason. that this will be okay. i'm not sure. everybody said it would be fine to begin with, but they were wrong.
if something happens, i don't know that i can take it. i will drop out of the world.
i am afraid.
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