i need off.
2003-12-07 - 11:55 p.m.

the past few days have gone by in a blur of confusion. chaos. i just remember the coldness.

i feel selfish and afraid. lonely and misunderstood. i have no patience. i am drained of hope. faith that is lifted and then

it falls back down.

and i feel like a mother duck looking after her baby. i have to go to the grocery store and watch out for my little sister.

did you take your medicine?

do you have homework?

are you okay?

are you hungry?

do you need anything?

always looking over my shoulder to make sure she's following closely behind.

i need her there, she has to be there but her presence is wearing me thin. i am not fit to be motherly at age 21.

i keep almost crying when i see things that remind me of him. i keep almost crying when my mind lingers over thoughts of him laying in the hospital bed, hooked up to machines that keep him functioning for the time being.

myself, alive and well while something threatens to eat his body from the inside out.

so many people around so many people asking questions. visitors phone calls. and it's too much for me. a fight between being selfish and being brave, being mature and doing what i know i am supposed to do. i have to be there for my mother, yet my fear of being in the hospital where my father lies in pain keeps me from going there as often as i should. her having no choice in the matter. she stays by his bed she helps him she sleeps beside him in a cot that folds into a cabinet. she looks so small and fragile and i'm afraid. i'm tired of spending the night in my home that is minus two family members. that is empty and cold and lonely. quiet.

i am moody toward daniel. he thinks i'm mad at him. i'm not. i'm being pushed over the edge. there's a cliff, i'm being pushed and i'm dragging my feet into the ground but it does no good. in a day or two i'll know. i'll fall off the edge or i'll stop just in time. it all depends on what happens. the diagnosis.

i keep looking at other people and thinking that they look so happy. so unconcerned. so ignorant.

this is wrong.

the world should pause. stop moving. until my say so. christmas can't come yet. it's a time to be happy, to be with your family. but it can't come because two of mine are missing.



i just want to sit on the couch with daniel beside of me and pretend everything is okay.

but the world won't stop moving.

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