2003-12-25 - 10:06 p.m.

i was reading all of this year's entries. i made a list of things i was going to write about, but it got erased in a freak accident involving me, the mouse and something i thought i saw but didn't. the list being gone, i'll just make it up as i go. i'm in a sentimental mood anyhow. that's what happens when you get old. i can remember the most intricate details of certain times. other things i forget completely. the name of the cd we were listening to as we drove, watching the streetlights make shadows on the road. late nights as we moved from place to place, looking for a place to stay. not really caring where we were. sitting in the car with no heat while it snowed outside. screaming into each other's faces as we fell asleep. on our elbows. donnie darko in the background. radiohead in the background. you in the background. finally.

here begins the summary of the year that i grew up. the year that i changed into the person i was meant to be and i admit i still need work, but i'm staying here. it's where i fit.

january 2003

"don't cry don't feel don't die because death is not real"

let's begin the year right. with an emotional breakdown in the k-mart parking lot on a saturday night. i hit the bottom face first and eventually i learned to embrace it. i cut off contact with everyone for the most part and took a deep breath and looked around. i was alone.

sometimes a little light would shine into the dark corner i created for myself and i would smile. january was the beginning of me, john and serina hanging out all of the time. star keggers and jesus. beer! bird! byrne. air hockey and arby's almost everyday.

"i'll take something to believe something with long sleeves cause it's unpredictable..[my heart still bleeds].."

drug use and confusion. a mess, a mess, a mess.

"there's a hole in my head where the rain comes in."

beginning of [the end] of the relationship with Destraction.

february 2003

wrote a valentine's day poem:

roses are red,
violets are blue,
if you have a valentine
i hope he gives you syphillus.

i bought myself a gundam and a box of strawberry gushers. love is for kittens.

still rockin my khakis with a cuff in the crease.

laying out of class regularly.

and i decide it's not love because it makes me sick.

march 2003

writing letters and cutting them up. throwing them out of the car window as i pass the field beside the landing strip at the airport.

"in time
memories fade
senses numb
one forgets how it felt
to have loved completely."

beginning to forget. i think the burning that was my broken heart in my throat was beginning to fade.

living life in solitude has always been better than letting anyone in to grasp what a day is like in my shoes.

april 2003

begin hotel parties and more drugs and more drinking.

"i am wasted but i'm ready."

ihop and throwing sticky eyeballs to the hotel ceiling and watching it watch you in between sleeping.

fork fighting begins. bloody arms and scars.

this month i get a sunburn so bad that i feel like a leper. i am shunned and cast out. stones are thrown.

"my heart's stopped pumpin but my blood is still alive. the rain hits the ground and the trees they dry it up. my eyes wake up but my brain is sleeping fine."

may 2003

hello daniel. meeting #1 in the park.

"i wouldn't mind, but you are my only hope."

this is the time i drew an "E" with a green crayon on the sidewalk downtown. and it's still there.

in this month i dreamed that burt reynolds seduced me. i haven't slept since.

june 2003

2nd meeting of d6. 2nd meeting at the park. he reads my book today. the first time anyone has read my writing in real life. ever.

daniel cracks my wall and we begin dating. i am born again.

"if you trust me," he said, "i think i can put you back together."

july 2003

in july i climbed/walked down into a rock quarry and came back up dirty dusty sweaty wet and glad to be alive.

the first sleepover of the killbot and the soul eater.

"recollect me darling raise me to your lips two undernourished egos four rotating hips hold on to me tightly i'm a sliding scale can't endure then you can inhale clearly out of body experience interferes and dreams of flying i fit nearly surrounds me though i get lonely slowly"

august 2003

my 21st birthday. i am thrown assfirst into the world that is alcohol consumption.

i am purged from school. [small victory] this turns into a year-long break. maybe more. fuck school right up it's no.2 pencil ass.

september 2003>

daniel and i [censored]...

"her knees were thrust in one direction like a symbol of math, the symbol meaning greater than."

...and it was beautiful.

also, entry number 666 is made in my die-ary.

october 2003

another daniel/erin sleepover. but first, i get drunk at brent and laura's house and spit m&ms at people faces while standing in a chair. i go outside to smoke and start mooning passing traffic.

i take pictures of my ass because i'm bored in october. october is take pictures of your ass month now.

i eat dirt. i eat dirt from a fork that was stuck in a tree.

my dad gets sick.

november 2003

start job at newspaper.

get my septum pierced and cry like a baby when i have to take it out.

begin incredible lust for chicken mcnuggets.

kill a squirrel.

december 2003

6 months that i have been with daniel. 6 fucking amazing months//half of a year.

december is now.

tonight i sat at the piano weawring three shirts, pants and a scarf. tonight i smoked a cigarette so hard and so fast that i got dizzy. i smiled up at the stars and the cold blew into my coat as i walked slowly back inside. tonight i listen to new music as i reflect upon this year. a timeline. just as it was bound to happen - i was dead to the world and then reborn again. this has to count as a good year, six days left. six days full of work, daniel, family, smoking, drinking and drugs. tell me i'm not where i'm supposed to be and i'll tell you i'm closer than i've ever been - narrowing my life down. finally getting it where it's meant to be. filtering out who doesn't belong, nurturing those who do. i am complete. finally, i win.

the end.
the end is here.
the end is really fucking nigh.

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