i don't want to.
2004-01-09 - 11:59 a.m.

last night, i gave up the rule [again] of not smoking in my car. it was too cold to stand outside for however many minutes it takes me to ingest my death. i clocked out of work and i drove aimlessly around in my car while smoking. i didn't bother to turn the heater on, i didn't bother to roll the window up. i hunched down in my seat and listened to the music. i felt it vibrate through the speaker and onto my leg. i stared off onto the oncoming turns of the road and i thought about everything. i drew no conclusions. and all of a sudden i was driving where there were no streetlights and no sides of the road to pull onto and i had no paper and i had so much to say all of a sudden.

i pushed harder on the gas and my stupid car revved it's sorry little engine and i pulled into the parking lot, pulled up my pants leg and wrote all over myself.

i went back into work and didn't really do anything but wish time away. when it came time to go home, it was snowing very softly and i couldn't even feel it touching me. i looked up, and for the first time that night, i felt calm and peaceful. i smiled and went inside.

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