2004-01-14 - 10:05 p.m.

laying face down on my pillow, sprawled across the bed, i suddenly jerked up into a sitting position. i was dying. i stared into the darkness of my room and sat with my hand on my heart.

i recited the entire discography of radiohead while throwing blankets off of the bed.

i leaned over and sorted through my cds, looking for something in particular. smashing pumpkins - adore.

i put on my headphones and pulled the remaining covers over my head. i smushed the headphones closer to my ears. as soon as the first song started, instantly a complete movie began playing in my head along with the music. not the most recent lunar eclipse, but the one before it. the night that rain had stopped and turned to fog and it was creepy outside and we ran around in big empty parking lots, screaming at each other. finally, we stood still eating pizza we didn't pay for, watching the moon slowly blend in with the sky.

that night i slept in a bed that wasn't mine. it was broken. if i wasn't careful, i sort of rolled off the side and onto the cold, tile floor.

we sat up into the early morning reading old music magazines and listening to this cd - adore. when we ran out of magazines, we turned out the light and laid down to sleep. and it was so hot because there was no air conditioning. and there were three of us in the bed side by side. the window was open but no breeze came in. this cd played on repeat all night and soon i knew the song order and most of the words after never even hearing it before this night. drifting in and out of sleep, eventually daylight and birds sent me groaning under the pillow. i couldn't sleep. i got up and wandered into the living room and stepped over the sleeping bodies on the floor. i opened the back door and smoked a cigarette squinting into the morning sun.

17 seconds of compassion
17 seconds of peace
17 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created
17 seconds to remember all that is good
17 seconds to forget all your hurt and pain
17 seconds of faith
17 seconds to trust you again
17 seconds of radiance
17 seconds to send a prayer up
17 seconds is all you really need.

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