2004-01-27 - 10:09 p.m.

look at me. look. this is me fucking loopy on cold medicine. because my body is asleep because i feel like death eating an oreo because i feel like my brain is more awake than it's ever been. and this is my eye, do you see it? the left one? it's twitching. twitching caused by stress. and this is me, right here, so worried but so confident about my immediate future. this is me torn between guilt and freedom. this is me reaching toward a new phase in life and clinging on to what i've always known. and this is the inside of my body, coated with guilt. it's eating away, eating away and i'm breaking. and this is us laying in the dark, arms draped across one another. this is him, with his voice disappearing into the black, telling me that i need to do what i need to do, that everything is going to be alright. and here i am, yes, still here, my face warm from his breath, my heart and mind secure with his words, his confident heartfelt words. and here i am, too, cold and desperate, you see me crying onto the pillow in between sleeping wondering what i'm supposed to do, really. the doubts are from my parents. the doubts are from not wanting to hurt, wanting happy endings, new beginnings. and here i am, i don't go back and forth with this anymore. no, here i am stable in my mind stable in what i know i need. confident. [broken] and here's where i think that in the past, troubles are righted in the morning, but a year's worth of mornings won't change my mind with this one. and here i sit, crying in burger king. and then you see me, screaming through tears in the parking lot, the wind blowing my coat open and my hair flying. and i am saying

free me, mother, i can't take this anymore. but she won't let go and god, it kills me.

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