2004-02-04 - 10:12 p.m.

today i puked my guts out while yes' "roundabout" played on the stereo in the next room. the sun shone on the carpet beside of me and i stuck my finger in my throat to hurry up the process. my hair was still wet from the shower, so i pressed it onto my hot face and simultaneously wished for life and death.

when i could finally contain myself, i went to the kitchen to find something to take to hold myself inside. green pill. very small. ingested.

workwork. i always loathe the idea of driving to work and going inside and walking down that hallway that smells strange. creaky floorboards and the stupid greetings that are necessary to show coworkers you really aren't the ogre that they think you could be. routine routine. i hate change but i hate routine just as much. today i stared at the vending machine for a long time because i forgot where i was. i memorized what came first - the cheesy poofs before the potato chips. hershey's chocolate bar before the skittles. i stared at my reflection in the window and thought about things. i don't know what. i felt really stupid when i came out of the zone i had wondered mentally into.

onto daniel's house where i can breathe a sigh of relief. and exhale my smoke. right in the middle of the house. i can smoke while sitting on the toilet if i so please. or while strolling down the stairs. i come in this evening to find him sitting in front of the computer making music. and he smiles and looks so fucking happy because this is him in his element. he can take a program that gives me a headache when i look at the screen and produce something that hurls amazing sounds into my ears and makes me smile. i don't tell him much that i enjoy this because i don't want him to think i'm just saying it. but i enjoy seeing him so happy at something he's so good at.

we go eat at the mall and go grocery shopping. and ram things with the cart while he gets overly excited about canned food for 33 cents. ALSO WE BOUGHT A JESUS CANDLE. we come home and watch home movies or aqua teen hunger force.

and so ends another day. it's always the same. and and. and. yes. i need to do something to change the routine. like jump off my roof. or quit my job and move to south america. or ...stop writing this entry.

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