i found him asleep with his mouth open and a frown on his face. i crawled into bed with him and he didn't squint at me and say "hey baby" like he usually does. he just rolled over on his side and curled into the fetal position. a few minutes later he says he doesn't feel well. i stayed awake instead of dozing like i usually do to make sure he was still breathing. to make sure he was okay. this is how i know. if i didn't care about him, i'd have gone to sleep. i'm not bragging on myself, i'm stating facts. this is how it is. this is it. i lay staring at the ceiling thinking that he needed to try to eat soup so he could take tylenol to lower his fever. i wondered if he was cold. i wondered if he'd feel like going to work. he didn't. i called in sick for him and he called the doctor. i called his mother and we watched the dog roll around in the yard. the days have been too nice lately to stay inside even if you're sick.

i went to work early so i could get off early to take him to the doctor. we sat in the waiting room for about an hour and a half. i read 2 reader's digests and a family circle. i heard the receptionist tell a caller that her pregnancy test was negative. i wondered if the woman was relieved or sad.

we came home and ate and i helped him clean the house because nobody else will do it. i clean poop up off of the floor sometimes and that doesn't bother me nearly as badly as when i see some of the grotesque things that are growing in the kitchen from where his roommates leave things laying for days. i wonder what germs are entering my body from the messes they make.

finally he stopped cleaning and we picked up his medicine and came home and watched staticy television while the dog climbed all over us and chased the cat. he put his arms around me and leaned his head against mine and i could feel the heat from his fever on my face. i remembered what he'd said earlier. "we're going to have an amazing life together." i've thought about it and decided that he's right.

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