we're trying to stop smoking. mostly i want to thwack him in the head. mostly i want to scream and scream until my face turns red. but mostly i just stare off into space and hold my head in my hands. i keep sort of coming to and realizing where i really am. deeper than just daydreaming, it's more like when you fall asleep and you're dozing and you're startled awake and you can't figure out where you are. i keep doing that.

and lately i keep thinking how pointless everything is. i keep wondering where this is all leading to. and i keep thinking that if i feel this way now..if everything is so shitty now, then how's it going to be in 5 years? 10 years? is it going to go downhill? i feel so far behind in everything. i want do-overs. fuck the people who know what they want out of life. who know what they want to do as a career. who know why they get out of bed in the morning. i only have one good reason. and that's all that holds me up. keeps me intact. if it goes away, well then, i might as well not exist.

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