sell the poorhouse, the plaster numbs my bones.
2004-03-19 - 10:19 p.m.

the monotonous day. beating in the same trash with a different name.

i worry aloud, i scream aloud, i complain aloud. my hand is covered with his and he yells at me to stop it. just stop it. like a slap in the face and i remember that nothing matters but this. us.

sometimes i get overwhelmed with memories and i scream inside of my body and the scream vibrates internally and i shake. sometimes i am overwhelmed with everything and i want to yell until my throat burns and i'm left alone with my thoughts. i'm always left alone with my thoughts.

i'm in such a hurry for everything to be how i want it to be, that i get careless and make mistakes. i'm in such a hurry yet i'm still so lazy and so irresponsible. how come i know i have to change, but i won't? how come i know i can better myself, but i won't?

i couldn't sit still, so i ran outside. shoes untied. i ran my knuckles along the brick under the window until it stung. back and forth. squinting into the streetlights of the grocery store across the street. back and forth. back and forth. dead skin cells. blood.

i went inside and walked up the stairs. i never remember walking up the stairs. i never remember walking down the stairs. i just arrive. and i sat on the window seat and looked outside into the night sky. i opened the window. then the screen. i stuck my head out. blew smoke at the tree. it felt nice out. i pulled my head back in and stuck my feet out and eased my way onto the roof. i smoked the rest of my cigarette straddling the hard, cold roof. i stared at the stars and i laughed out loud.

laying on our sides with the light from the stairs shining in our eyes. he touched me and he went up and down my body telling me what his favorite parts were. legs, hipbones, side and neck. so sweet and so tender. i buried my head in his hair because i was going to cry. genuine. he's going to treat me like a goddess tomorrow, he says, but what he doesn't think about is that that's how he treats me every day.

he says everything will work out. he hasn't been wrong about things so far. i'll trust him with this, too.

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