eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. fucking. fuck. i know i won't be able to explain what i want to. but i'll try. everything happens for a reason. there are such a thing as signs. i knew this when i met daniel. [or maybe i just hope too much]. [[but i don't think so]]. but oh this movie. i wanted to see it since before it came out. and we never went. we kept putting it off for one reason or another. but finally we went and i'm glad we put it off until now. i don't know about him, but i needed it today. not last weekend, not yesterday, but today. i had a feeling about this. i know i sound stupid. i know it's only a movie. but it's what was in the movie; what point the movie made. can you understand? certain parts of the movie hit home. by home i mean heart. i cried. i smiled. i felt. when the movie was over, we walked down the hall to the door and he hugged me from behind. i went into the bathroom and cried. i cried while i peed. i cried while i wiped and i cried while the automatic flusher flushed.

we opened the door and it smelled like rain. he asked why i wouldn't look at him. i think he could tell i had been crying and i was about to again. he said "are you sad?" and i said no. he said "is it because you love me?" and i said yes and smiled. then i laughed because i realized we were all hunkered over and in each other's faces and i had forgotten there were people all around.

what really got me was the part where he was talking about falling in love with someone's back. the very first thing i saw of daniel was his back. the very first time i saw daniel, i fell in love with him and i didn't know it until later.

and i hate how you get so into the movie and as soon as you open the door from the theatre to the outside world, reality hits and the wonderful movied feeling you have slowly and steadily declines until you feel the same as you did.

maybe it's just me trying to make our relationship into a movie. or maybe somebody making movies just understands, too. i'll take the latter.

we computed together today. we were geeks together today. two computers side by side. sometimes while my website would load i'd kiss him. sometimes i would look at his screen and he'd look at mine.

outside, i sat on his lap as he sat in the lawnchair. outside, we watched the dog. outside, i felt loved because of the arms so tight around me.

inside, i sat on the bed as he layed on the bed. inside, we watched each other. inside, i felt loved because he was inside of me.

the friction and the skin. the trembling sigh. this is how bodies move. with everything we could lose. pushing us deeper still. the sheets and the sweat.

finally a chance to breathe. reaching for the fallen sheets. collapsing in a glowing heap.

this feels so good. just barely moving. the tension building. our bodies working to reach the goal.

[oh my sweet rapture
i hear jesus
calling me home.]

i hope you understand.

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