2004-05-05 - 10:40 p.m.

hello comfortable diaryland box. die, livejournal.

the past few days have been torture for my body physically and mentally. i've gone back and forth. i've vomited. and stuff. and things. and i've thought.

and i feel so fucking lonely and left out of everything. i feel like i'm being left behind by everybody again. winter before last feelings persist and i tell myself that things can't be as bad as they seem; they're better. i tell myself i can persist anyway. but those are lies.

this is all bullshit. i recycle worries and problems and failures and rewrite them to you here. stuff you don't want to hear. stuff i don't want to hear, let alone write, let alone live.

lately i feel like i'm fighting for something i don't deserve or own. lately i feel like when i look at you, you aren't really mine, but someone else's. lately i feel like what happened the last time is happening this time, just differently than before. i can explain. i can always explain. but really, is it so selfish of me to think that i can have something amazing for the rest of my life without someone else taking it away from me? i think it must be.

i'll hold on as long as you do.

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