2005-12-06 - 9:00 p.m.

i think the only time i feel real is when i'm sitting on the barstool upstairs in front of the window in the bedroom. smoking a cigarette, staring out at the trailer park that hides our apartment. the cold air comes in and reminds me that i'm still existing just enough to continue on the next day.

i think the only time i feel warm is when it's late at night and you're asleep with your back to me. i make sure there are no covers in between us and i scoot so that my ass is against your ass. the heat from you is something that the blankets can't match.

i think the only time i feel anything is if i stop long enough to think. so i try not to - it's better that way.

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