once i dreamed i jumped out of the car.
2002-10-01 - 9:45 p.m.

sometimes i want to open the door while we're driving down the road. two lanes. narrow. but the grass is so green and so tall and i just want to open the door and jump out. i will grab my bag that has the chocolate bucket parfait and i'll tuck in my limbs and roll. i'll hit the ground and if you listen carefully, you'll hear my breath escaping from the impact. i think about it a lot. it's been years now, actually. but always the same panicked thoughts racing through my head. maybe one day i'll do it - i'll make no promises.

and so we've set the tuesday night routine. at least this is what i'm hoping it'll stay as. my humanities class is now going to his house and watching gilmore girls instead of sitting in a hard metal desk. in between the show, during the commercials, he grabs me and this is where i tell him to kiss me thirty times. he asks me why and i say because it's a large number. we then proceed to entangle the entire area. so when my class is over at 9, we walk to my car and he thinks of all these things to tell me and he won't let me go. he's saying "oh erin i forgot to tell you..." and then he kisses me and then it's "did i tell you that...?" and then he won't let go of my hand and so it goes until i convince him to shut the door and i turn up the music to drown his sweet rambling ways out and i go.

and i think perhaps i learn more doing this instead of going to class. ok, i don't. i lied. but it sure as hell beats listening to a chiclet toothed man drone on and on about the paleolithic era.

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