i'm afraid.
2002-10-12 - 3:12 p.m.

i still love you. regardless. regardless of the fact that you stopped my heart. regardless of the fact that you gave me no warning, no reason and that you walked away from me.

you have to know that i love you with all of my foolishly hideous and heavenly existence.

without you, there is no reason for me. i have no reason to wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. i cannot function. i do not eat. i cannot sleep. all i can do is sit in a self-pitying position and stare and cry and remember. would it make you feel any differently to know how you hurt me? how you went from asking me when we were going to marry and hugging me so hard that i couldn't reach the ground and whispering 'i love you' into my ear. you know how i feel. you know i will wait for you forever and then even more.

do you think constantly about me as i think constantly about you? do you wake up from dreaming that everything is fine to be smacked in the face by reality? do you sit and remember every little detail of how it was as the tears run down your face until you are soaked and unable to breathe?

do you KNOW what you've DONE to me?

we were perfect. perfectly. perfection.

it was meant to be, you know. crazy how everything worked out and fell into place. i met you in the part of school where i never went. you were in a class you weren't supposed to be in. you didn't even need this class. yet there you were. and.we.clicked. like two peas in a pod. that's what we were. inseparable. you were my best friend. my best friend and my love. my first true love. i gave everything to you. i gave something to you i can never have back. that's how i wanted it to be. i did that because i knew. i knew you were the one. we were going to grow up together. grow old together. you molded me into what i am now and for the life of me, i can't remember how or what i was before you. i can't go back to the way things were because you changed me.

you said that you had been in situations that you thought was love. it wasn't, you said, not when compared to us. true love. like westley and buttercup. not even death could keep them apart.

i will not let you leave me.

we had too much. we were together too long. everything was right. you know that. you know that as much as i do, adam daniel.

besides, if i don't have you, who is going to hold my hand? who's going to put his hand on my leg when we drive? who's going to kiss my forehead? i don't care about anything else.

there were times i doubted that you were the one. but i always always learned that you were. everything always ended up at you. all systems go. all arrows point to yes, he is the one. i move for you.

you can have your time. you can think through everything and get to where you need to be. at least through this, i am getting back to where i need to be - not completely focused on you. i am closer to my family and to my friends. i know that you are him. you are what i want and what i need. and absense makes the heart grow fonder.

now please.

come back to me.

because i'm waiting.

i love you.

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