2006-01-11 - 1:50 a.m.

we got high and layed down, swimming on the comforter. touching fingers, we listened to the layers in the music. it was a deep sea that swallowed me whole. smiling all the way down, i closed my eyes. i would open my eyes to find him there in front of me. sometimes he would be watching me, other times he was lost within himself. soon, i let him get lost inside of me. the music accompanying our silent movements. afterward he danced his way over to me as i stood smoking out of the bedroom window. his hands on my hips and my head on his chest, we swayed to the music. i cried.

i held his hair back so he wouldn't get sick on it. i cleaned his glasses when he was finished. i cleaned the toilet. all of this without flinching. without even the hint of queasiness. i'm not bragging, but instead making a note of my love. i've been staring at him because i'm afraid he's not breathing. overreacting? sure. i never knew how my parents felt when i was sick. why they would say "i wish it was us instead of you."

now i know.

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