phantom piercing.
2003-11-25 - 10:06 p.m.

sunday night i told myself to stop thinking about it and just go to sleep. it being what i intended to do monday morning before work #1. i woke up monday, cold and shivering. i left my house to meet serina under the bridge at the dam. we wasted time until they opened at 12. we pulled in and i wouldn't get out of the car. then when i finally accomplished that much, i decided to sit on the bench outside the shop and smoke one cigarette before i could go in. i sat there with my left leg bouncing up and down knowing that as soon as i went into that door i couldn't back out. we went in, the guy asked if he could help us and i told him that i thought maybe i wanted my septum pierced. he cocked his head and said "well, i can arrange that for you." he made me sign a paper that stated that i was mentally sound and had no diseases. and i know i am disease free, but mentally stable? i doubt it.

and i was fine through all of this. i was even excited. he marked my nose with a purple sharpie and he told me to sit down. lowered the chair. and i lay there and tell myself that this is good. this is fine. this is worth it. and he pinches my nose with what looked like wire pliers. that didn't hurt. then he told me to shut my eyes. then he said something but i wasn't listening because i felt the needle go in. i smiled. i said a choice phrase. i felt it come out the other side. my eyes teared up from the pressure. he asked if i was okay. i said yep. he said "well, you're bleeding." and i said "that's fine." and it was over. i sat up. i died 3 times. not because of the pain. it was minimal. but because it had just registered in my mind what had happened. needle goes in through the flesh. and then death! it's not supposed to happen like that. my brain said ERROR ERROR and then i couldn't hear anything. my vision was blurred and i saw things like i was looking at a tv with static on the screen. i got a drink. eventually i came back out of my mind where i could hear again. where i could see straight again. and i was happy. i was excited. i called daniel and told him. i called my mom and told her. two completely different reactions.

on to work #2. various reactions and comments uttered.

"did THAT HURT??"

"that girl has a BULL RANG THROUGH HER NOSE." [i don't think i was supposed to hear that one]

"i hate to be you when your dad finds out about that."

"whoa dude. that's cool. i like it. it's good that you're an individual."

there were many stares.

i tried like hell to flip it up my nose for when i had to go home and hide from my dad. it wouldn't go. i wished i had a bigger nose. it still wouldn't go. so i went home. i went directly to bed. i woke up and ran to the shower. ran from the shower to my room. and it was just bad. my dad wouldn't look at me. wouldn't talk to me. my mom said "i can't take this anymore" meaning she couldn't take the reaction my father had and the stress it was causing my already stressed-out family. and i had my head filled with stupid irrational thoughts and, crying, i pulled it out. i felt like i had lost my baby. i know that may sound stupid, but i had grown quite attached and quite fond of this piece of metal through my nose. my mom asked me if i was crying because it hurt when i took it out and i told her that i was crying because i didn't WANT to take it out. but there was so much against it. so many people, so many factors that while standing in my room, i felt like i had no choice. but soon after i wanted to punch myself. and it wouldn't go back in.

so there's my sob story. my brave act and then my pussy act. i am the best of both worlds. hardcore. wimp. i can't be beaten. i have phantom piercing syndrome. i keep thinking i can feel it there, but when i put my fingers up to touch it, i just feel two slight indentations where it used to be.

i had a hard day and daniel did too. we smoked cigarettes in the bathroom because it was too cold outside and i flicked my ashes into the toilet as much as i could just to hear the noise it made when it hit the water. laying beside daniel tonight for a few hours was what i needed. him telling me he loved me regardless of whether i had my septum pierced or not was what i needed. but i'll be damned if i'm still not more pissed off than i've ever been at myself before.

hindsight wins again.

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