i had good intentions. really i did. we walked around the christmas trees and found a nice one. they wrapped it up in net and put it in my trunk. i drove home not looking at the road, but at the tree sticking out of the back. i thought it was going to fall out and get hit by a car. it didn't.

it took three of us to carry it in the house. i got tree sap on my ass. pine needles were all over the house. we brought out the ornaments and decorations and the tree stand. we go to put the stand on the tree and it doesn't go. okay. well. we get a knife. a really big mean serrated knife about 6 or so inches long. it's not a big tree trunk, we thought. it'll cut through easily enough. nope. we get out the axe. in the house. axes and houses are not a good combination. we take turns chopping and quite often we miss, sending the axe to the floor. i'm really surprised we didn't knock a hole through the house. finally, one of us gets smart and takes the tree outside. being chopping. chunks of the ground are flying up in the air because we keep missing. and when we do hit it, nothing really happens. we go inside to find more instruments of destruction. serina comes back outside with a cheese grater. i'm desperate enough to try it. of course it doesn't work. it barely grates cheese, why would it work on wood? i go get a drill. i drill and some chunks fly off. doesn't really do much. so we go up to the little building in our backyard where all the fun tools are kept. i find a blade that is so big and evil that i poop my pants just because i looked at it. i carried it down the hill grinning from ear to ear because oh god the horrible things i could've done with that. but the blade was shaped so that we couldn't cut the tree with it.

we kicked the tree.

we cursed the tree.

some people drove by while serina was chopping angrily away and told her she was going to chop her leg off.

we give up and smoke a cigarette and wonder why things like this only happen to us.

we have to request backup. brad is called and he comes bearing a saw. he sawed it enough to actually get it in the tree stand, but it won't go in far enough to actually stand on it's on.

it's freezing cold outside and i'm irritated and tired and brad keeps telling me he hates me and so it ends.

the christmas tree is burning into ashes. in my mind.

the christmas tree is laying in the middle of the road being smashed repeatedly by a large truck. in my mind.

the christmas tree is laying in the front yard by the porch. in reality.

a bunch of branches are gone, the trunk is mutilated and everything here is sappy.

in other news, i had to listen to 'grandma got run over by a reindeer' roughly 28 times at work today because they think it's funny. but by the 2nd time grandma had gotten run over by a reindeer, i pondered sticking my tongue in the electrical socket under my desk.

i have had a horribly christmasy day. and not the good kind with presents and food. but with bad music and bastard christmas trees.

in even more other news, i saw my daddy today and he looked good. i've missed him and i'd rather hear him yell at me than see him in a hospital bed.

this is all. my fingers are numb. so's my nose.

prev */* next