do your pupils enlarge when you look at me?
2004-03-01 - 10:07 p.m.

the sort of dark that only allows your eyes to make out the outlines of objects in your line of vision. the kind that sends arms outstreched and groping for a safe path. after a while i just shut my eyes and blindly maneuvered as needed. sucked in oxygen and took note of my quickened heart rate. i couldn't fully grasp what was happening because it had never happened before. my eyes shot open and moved wildly around the room, memorizing my surroundings. frozen in my mind is a split second of the moment. detailed and perfect. here is where it began. eyes shut again. seconds pass that are no longer my own. i am not there i am not afraid. i collapse and cover my eyes. he asks me a question and i wonder if he hears the tears in my voice. i put my hands over my mouth to suppress a sob. my face is wet and we lay in silence until he pulls me to him.

and sometimes i match my strice to the symphony in my head and pretend i'm going to kill them all. i picture myself placed in a role of my favorite movie and with swift, confident actions, i easily take out everyone i hate. today would have been the perfect day for that. so many people hurt my feelings or got on my nerves or told me things i didn't want to hear. today was a beautiful day for destruction. sometimes i worry that i scare people and my father keeps bringing up the idea of anger management classes.

i stood in the shower until the wrinkles in my fingers equaled the number of my worries. i let the water rinse away the shit still lingering from my day.

i can't stop thinking, "this time yesterday, i was with you." there is only one constant in my life; the rest variables. i don't see a reason to complain.

[i am undeserving]

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